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Page of Staggfilms's best tweets

@Staggfilms : Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

@Staggfilms: GOOGLE: *please create password*

ME: *Giraffe_Neck*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *The_Revenant*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *CVS_receipt*

GOOGLE: *dude*

@Staggfilms: CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!

*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*

@Staggfilms: I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies...

@Staggfilms: THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

- guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

- white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

- guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

@Staggfilms: [during sex]

Her: talk nasty to me...

Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix...

Her: omg so nasty

Me: It's like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic

@Staggfilms: WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”

HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit

@Staggfilms: Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.

@Staggfilms: “If you build a lasagna, I will come.”

- Garfield of Dreams

@Staggfilms: HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?