FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.