Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
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[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
How your email finds me
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
🤣dope
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line