Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
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4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
CUTE CAT‼︎
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help