@Stap_Jr

Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.

@Stap_Jr

My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.

@Stap_Jr

I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.

@Stap_Jr

Pimp My Ride just showed up and turned my Corolla into a barbecue.

@Stap_Jr

Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.

@Stap_Jr

I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.

@Stap_Jr

You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.

@Stap_Jr

Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.

@Stap_Jr

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.