Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.