I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
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There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
This is a sub tweet
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.