[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
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Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.