“Holy shit, that guy eats a lot of pizza”
-people that walk by my house on recycling day.
“I put on pants for nothing”
– my 10 yo after she got dressed and her soccer game was cancelled.
Someone set up her Twitter account.
Me: “you hang up”
Her: “no you hang up”
Me: “no you hang up”
Her: “no y-”
Jail clerk: “sir, you only get one phone call.”
You can tell Tim Horton’s is a Canadian franchise, because my donut just apologized for making me fat.
How did we go from crappy gas station coffee to “Yes I’ll pay $7 for you to put that in a cup for me”?
I’ve been known to drive women crazy with my tongue.
*never shuts the hell up*
“Bluetooth or crazy”
– is a guessing game I play when I see someone talking to themselves on the street. I usually guess wrong.
I’m not saying I’m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I’ll probably do whatever you want
*Aims for the moon*
Accidentally ordered a large Coke from McDonalds. My Smart Car tipped over