*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
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5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
*seductively eats two tums*
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.