I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
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Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
WTF
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*