[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
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this is uni
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.