Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
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they should invent a hydrating liquor
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial