people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
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My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Happy Taco Tuesday
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.