ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
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2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices