So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
You Might Also Like
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks