Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
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I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
This line from Airplane.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
how it started vs how it ended
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.