What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
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[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
dude it’s called proctologist
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Science memes
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”