Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
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I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
lol
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
I feel seen.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
one of
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.