Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
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Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
I don’t make the rules sorry
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.