”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
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How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
🤣🤣🤣
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.