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Page of StellaRtwot's best tweets

@StellaRtwot : Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week

@StellaRtwot: If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them

@StellaRtwot: Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?

@StellaRtwot: *phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!

@StellaRtwot: Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you're doing it.

@StellaRtwot: Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

@StellaRtwot: I think I'll test to see if my husband is checking my browser history by searching "How to tell if your baby is black in the womb."

@StellaRtwot: *hands cashier $100 bill
"Ya have anything smaller?"
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

@StellaRtwot: Turns out those miniature liquor bottles aren't for babies and now my brother says I can't be the God Mother.

@StellaRtwot: I like to yawn in front of people so they yawn and then I can say "You're tired I should go."