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@StellaRtwot : Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
@StellaRtwot: If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
@StellaRtwot: Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
@StellaRtwot: *phone rings
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
@StellaRtwot: Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you're doing it.
@StellaRtwot: Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
@StellaRtwot: I think I'll test to see if my husband is checking my browser history by searching "How to tell if your baby is black in the womb."
@StellaRtwot: *hands cashier $100 bill
"Ya have anything smaller?"
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
@StellaRtwot: Turns out those miniature liquor bottles aren't for babies and now my brother says I can't be the God Mother.
@StellaRtwot: I like to yawn in front of people so they yawn and then I can say "You're tired I should go."