@StellaRtwot

*phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!

@StellaRtwot

Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

@StellaRtwot

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

@StellaRtwot

I think I’ll test to see if my husband is checking my browser history by searching “How to tell if your baby is black in the womb.”

@StellaRtwot

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

@StellaRtwot

Turns out those miniature liquor bottles aren’t for babies and now my brother says I can’t be the God Mother.

@StellaRtwot

I like to yawn in front of people so they yawn and then I can say “You’re tired I should go.”