computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
You Might Also Like
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Natural selection at its finest
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
My dad.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.