Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
*hears noise downstairs
*wakes up husband so he can go get murdered first
Imagine falling in love with someone and finding out they raise their hand at the end of a long boring meeting to ask a question.
Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I’d be like cool I’m going home to eat.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.