Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
You Might Also Like
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.