Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
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Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”