I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
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Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Lol
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?