“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
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Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
My god she’s good.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
If only
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
they split up moments later
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.