There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
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therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon