@SteussieErica

Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*

@SteussieErica

Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*

@SteussieErica

Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

@SteussieErica

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.

@SteussieErica

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day

@SteussieErica

As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

@SteussieErica

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.

@SteussieErica

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

@SteussieErica

Parenting:

1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time