“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
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I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.