I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
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75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
(yawn)
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles