House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
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Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.