Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …
and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.
Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
A journey of a thousand miles
running back in the house for
something you forgot.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.
Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…
It instantly takes me to another station.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?
There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.
Thyme wounds all heels.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I went to school with a girl named
We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order
I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”