I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
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My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]