AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
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Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.