If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
You Might Also Like
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Money is the root of all wealth
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers