Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
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Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.