Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
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me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
sin harder.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it