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Page of SteveSuckington's best tweets

@SteveSuckington : You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.

@SteveSuckington: *on blind date*

Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?

Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!

@SteveSuckington: [introducing a girl to my parents]

"These are the roommates I was telling you about"

@SteveSuckington: [first date]

Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.

@SteveSuckington: DR: your IQ test results are abysmal

ME: is... is that good?

@SteveSuckington: [at adoption agency]

"Why do you think you'd be a good fit for adoption?"

*cut to a baby mowing my lawn*

"I just love kids"

@SteveSuckington: Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don't wanna be a nerd parent.

@SteveSuckington: [stranded on a deserted island]

Ok first things first, I need to find a volleyball.

@SteveSuckington: *Wife screams*

"THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT"

*I approach, raccoon cracks it's knuckles. I turn around*

"It's his house now"

@SteveSuckington: "Dad I think there's a monster in my room"

-Seriously? You're 33 years old. You live in a different state.

"Just put mom on the phone"