You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
[at adoption agency]
“Why do you think you’d be a good fit for adoption?”
*cut to a baby mowing my lawn*
“I just love kids”
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
[stranded on a deserted island]
Ok first things first, I need to find a volleyball.
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”