amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
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Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn鈥檛 going to get right back in and take a nap
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don鈥檛 tempt me kid.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 馃槒
Him: We all are…
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
This bar smells like my childhood.
I am a(n):
鈿笍 man
鈿笍 woman
馃敇 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:鈿笍 men
鈿笍 women
馃敇 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
HER: It鈥檚 a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
My husband told me I鈥檇 better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.