The opposite of goth is stopth.
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I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Customize Your Wedding.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?