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the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”