A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
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Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it