10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
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It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Oh we’ve met.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.