For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
You Might Also Like
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.