[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
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FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Candles never taste the way they smell
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”