[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
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When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Cndnsd Mlk
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
What flavor cupcake are these
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
I don’t know what to do
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive