When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
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A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Dishonest mechanic?
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Yes