I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
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I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
japanese corn
🤣🤣
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down