The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
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My Sentiments Exactly
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.