“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
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[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
I bet
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.